Captain’s Log – 02252020

This morning I woke up in Orlando, Florida. More on that later.

It has been 21 days since the publication of the last Captain’s Log in which I committed to a fitness regimen consisting of eating better and visiting the gym. “Better” is a subjective word when it relates to eating. It can mean eating in a more healthy and nutritious manner or eating tastier food. My meaning is closer to the latter. I have also been by the gym on several occasions. The operative word is “by” as I drove to a Publix supermarket for some kick-ass chicken wings and did not actually enter the gym. The result is that I am 4 pounds heavier than when I wrote the last Captain’s Log.

You may think I have become a lazy slob but after careful introspection, I realized I did it unconsciously for totally unselfish reasons. As a retired person I have all day to do whatever I want. Theoretically, I could spend hours at the gym every day exercising vigorously and sculpting the perfect physique. I could also spend hours preparing nutritious and healthy low carb meals and storing them for later consumption. This would give me an unfair advantage over many of my classmates who still work and do not have the time to devote to a fitness program. That unfair advantage could result in my being too gorgeous and youthful-looking at the reunion and cause my classmates to feel envious, resentful, and sad. I am not that kind of person. Essentially, I am sandbagging for the benefit of my classmates. You’re welcome.

The Navigator and I drove to Orlando to get some time alone and to decompress. Retirement can be stressful. There are so many things to do such as bathing, shaving, grooming, eating, playing the trumpet and watching Judge Judy. Furthermore, I recently downloaded an addictive little app called Wordscape which is kind of like what you would get if a word scramble and crossword puzzle had a child.

Every Friday night the app conducts tournaments which usually end around 10 PM on Sunday. The top 5 or 10 contestants with the greatest number of points are awarded imaginary coins and increasingly fancier imaginary crowns for their avatar. There are some very competitive people in Wordscape, yours truly among them. Since late January when I downloaded the app, I have won 4 tournaments.

The app is very time consuming and some puzzles are challenging. The real question is which contestant is willing to waste the most amount of time over a beautiful weekend to snag that snazzy crown. Four times is pretty impressive but stressful.

The Navigator performed well during the drive to Orlando. We used the Maps app on my phone and deactivated highways and tolls so it took us through back roads. It made for a much better and more interesting trip. The Navigator has been monitoring the coronavirus situation closely and spent the entire trip watching Youtube videos of aggressive Chinese officials removing people from their homes after being suspected of carrying the virus. Occasionally, she briefed me on the latest reports which seem to indicate the virus was following in the car behind us. I asked her to please refrain from any further updates until the virus knocks on the hotel room door.

We had a great dinner at TGI Friday’s last night. It was still early and we decided to visit a local Publix for a few items and a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon to continue the merriment in our hotel room.

The Navigator pulled out her phone and plotted the course. She correctly advised to drive south to Sand Lake Road and turn right. There was heavy traffic and she advised to stay in the right-most lane until we passed I-4. The Navigator returned to continuing coverage of the coronavirus outbreak. As we drove under the I-4 overpass, she announced I had improperly committed myself to getting on I-4. Apparently, she had misread the GPS which clearly indicated to get in the left-most lane of Sand Lake Road, but somehow, I was responsible for the mistake. We then proceeded to do a ridiculously long U-turn involving two expressways to return to Sand Lake Road.

Once back on westbound Sand Lake Road, the Navigator turned her attention to the nonstop coronavirus coverage. A few blocks later she looked up and said, “You should have turned right a block ago.” Until that moment she had not uttered a syllable so it was bewildering to me how I would have known to turn right. I pulled a fast Miami move and cut across two parking lots to return to the place where the Navigator claimed we needed to turn.

At this point, the Navigator began behaving in a snippy manner implying I was too dumb to follow simple instructions – even if the instructions had never actually been vocalized. The Navigator indicated the Publix was located in a northeasterly direction and that it was practically around the next corner. I found it interesting how she knew this since she neither looked at nor listened to the GPS device. We pulled over and I asked her to show me the device.

The app was zoomed in tightly where it only showed one block at a time and the Publix was nowhere to be found. In addition, the orientation was horizontal so it showed the vehicle traveling from right to left. As I zoomed out and corrected the orientation, the Publix appeared on the map in the exact opposite direction. I asked the Navigator why she thought the Publix was southeast of us. She replied, “That phone is a piece of shit. I need a new phone.” She resigned her commission a couple of times then returned to the 24-hour live coverage of the coronavirus outbreak, which by her reaction, was on a bus in Orlando on the way to our hotel.

Today, in an attempt to drive home the importance of practicing good Navigational habits, I took the Navigator to the Titanic Artifacts Exhibit. The Navigator enjoyed the experience and resigned a few more times until we arrived at Carrabba’s for dinner.

The next Captain’s Log will have to wait until we return to Miami. I promise I will provide updates on the fitness and dietary regimen especially if there is way to integrate kick-ass chicken wings. Gotta go, I hear someone knocking at the door.