Captain’s Log – 03042020 Coronavirus (COVID-19) Special Report

Have still been unable to visit the gym due to my recovery from recent implant surgery. I am working on a revolutionary new look for my high school reunion in November and the implants are fabulous. Details will be provided in a subsequent report.

This morning the Navigator announced we had run out of eggs. These announcements are usually accompanied by a request to go to the store immediately because she is hungry. The Navigator is pretty malleable under most circumstances and can be dissuaded from just about anything except breakfast. Talking to the Navigator before she has had her coffee is like trying to converse with the Moai statues on Easter Island who share the same expression but the statues are more animated.

As I entered the supermarket, I observed two crazy overreacting silly women carting out toilet paper and water. I surmised it was their attempt to prepare for the impending coronavirus pandemic. What a hoot! I went to the counter to get a lotto ticket and observed an elderly gentleman purchasing several bottles of hand sanitizer and soap. Admittedly, I have not been too interested in this virus nonsense but I thought maybe I should check the news for the latest developments.

Mistake. The several news outlets I checked reported there were now 9 fatalities, all in Washington state. The worldwide death toll reached 3,000 and there are 90,000 reported cases. Japan reported 1,000 infected persons, 700 of them on a single cruise ship. A virus expert from Harvard University predicted that 40-70% of the world’s population will become infected and 1% of the people who develop symptoms could die. There were now 3 reported cases of COVID-19 in Florida. I recall there had only been 1 fatality in the US since last Saturday so casualties increased 800% in 4 days. There were even reports that Costco ran out of toilet paper.

The media reports convinced me of the inevitable calamity that was about to befall us. It was time to take action.

I walked to the toilet paper and water aisles and found they were well stocked. There were reports that Australia had encountered a shortage of toilet paper and I wanted to be prepared so I purchased two large packages which did not make too much sense since our bathrooms are equipped with bidets. Nonetheless, I did not want to be caught with my pants down, so to speak, like our poor Australian brothers. An Extinction Level Event (ELE) such as this one called for extreme measures. If the world’s economies and civilizations collapsed as a result of the pandemic, I would ensure we would at least end our days with clean butts.

Our home is connected to the municipal water supply so whenever we turn on a faucet or a bidet, nice clean water pours out. Several pundits advised purchasing bottled water as a precaution. Though they did not elaborate on the reasons I assumed it was because all the water department employees would soon be incapacitated by the plague making them unable to work. I purchased a few cases of water in case the bidets became inoperative.

At first glance, the store appeared to be very well stocked as there were no bare shelves like before a hurricane. A person preparing for their first calamity would be deceived into thinking there was nothing to worry about. Yours truly, an experienced disaster survivor, knew to look at the small details. A careful discernment of the few unavailable items told a chilling story. The most likely reason was hard-core survivalists had already visited to prepare for the end of the world as we know it. The store had run out of the following key items:

Nestle Raisinets – A food staple with a 10-month shelf life. It allegedly contains raisins, a good source of fiber and vitamins. A 1 cup serving provides 32 grams of fat and 8 grams of protein. It also contains 128 grams of carbohydrates and 108 grams of sugar which combine to provide a whopping 759 calories of inflammation-inducing, blood sugar elevating, heart-stopping deliciousness. Hard-core survivalists load up on Raisinets when everything else has been consumed. It’s the next best thing to a cyanide tablet.

Lemon Bleach – Kills two birds with one stone. Hard-core survivalists love its disinfectant properties and when consumed as medicine, leaves a corpse with a lemony breath.

Feminine Hygiene Pads – It has been pretty well publicized that typical surgical masks are somewhat ineffective in stopping the coronavirus. They do not create a good seal around the nose, cheeks, and chin allowing the airborne virus to enter the body. The only masks deemed effective are the N95 respirators worn by medical personnel, however, they can be uncomfortable when worn for extended periods. Hard-core survivalists have discovered that feminine hygiene products have an adhesive feature that allows for a tight seal around the respiratory area. It can be worn for extended periods since technically, that was the original purpose of the product. Hard-core survivalists swear by these daintily packaged life savers.

Cheap Pinot Grigio Wine – Even during the most calamitous events, hard-core survivalists enjoy sipping a little happy juice to take the edge off a hard day of reloading shotgun shells. The thrifty survivalist likes the low price of these wines since it allows them to buy more and enjoy the Extinction Level Event for a longer time.

A typical hard-core survivalist’s shopping cart. The survivalist fled as this picture was taken in an attempt to not be identified. Now we know where the Cheap Pinot Grigio went.

After thoroughly investigating the missing products, it has become abundantly clear the disaster is imminent. I purchased toilet paper, water, batteries, soap, bleach, moth balls, pitted olives, apple juice for Violette, and an air conditioner filter. Upon my return home, I showed the Navigator all the items I purchased for the imminent apocalypse. She asked in a most unbecoming way, “Where are the #@^%*! eggs?” I took her to a nice breakfast.