It is 9:00 o’clock on a typical weekday morning in Southwest Miami. Traffic on SW 47th Street is moving at 4 feet per minute in both directions as dozens of massive vehicles cram their way into the west entrance of SW 159th Court which eventually leads to the doors of Lamar Louise Curry Middle School. Every second counts because the students must be in their seats before 9:10 am to avoid being marked tardy.
Many of the drivers employ a technique known locally as a “cañonazo”, which is Cuban slang to describe the act of prying the nose of one vehicle in front of another to get in front of them. The term cañonazo (pronounced kahn-yo-NAH-so) is Spanish and its literal English translation is “cannon shot”. Although no actual cannon shots are fired during the execution of the maneuver, the drivers’ animated gesticulations betray their sincere desire to blast an actual cannon at the antagonist.
It is important to understand, the drivers, almost without exception, are young women. They display an extraordinary level of multitasking skills as they gesticulate aggressively while simultaneously applying makeup, eye liner, eye lashes, lipstick, drawing heavy eyebrows with large black Magic Markers, brushing their hair, applying perfume, and dressing. The exchange of gesticulations continues until they reach the end of the long drive to the entrance.
Once the driver arrives at the entrance, she will begin the process of asking her child if they have their lunch money and bookbag and if they completed their homework. If the child failed to complete the homework, the driver will help them finish it while the block-long line of cars waits to drop off their children. After finishing the homework, the driver unfastens her seat belt and turns to hug and kiss the child and tell them how proud she is and how special they are. The driver will then give the child another long lingering heartfelt embrace and kiss their cheek again while smoothing the child’s hair.
After the child exits the vehicle, the driver idles until the child slowly meanders into the school, greets all their friends and walks out of the driver’s range of vision. Only then will the driver move her battle wagon forward. Then the next driver pulls up and the process begins anew. These drivers are known locally as Mamasitas. An alternate spelling is Mamacita. The words are interchangeable.
A word about male mamasitas, also known as papasitos. Like Bigfoot, no clear evidence has ever emerged proving their existence. According to scientists, the existence of papasitos is supported by statistical probabilities that closely resemble those used to support the likelihood of life on other planets. That is, papasitos are as common as little green men from Mars. Anecdotal evidence similar to that used to prove the existence of Bigfoot purport to show papasitos also drop their children off at school though this behavior is observed much less frequently than mamasitas. The primary difference between a papasito and a regular dad is the papasito’s willingness to enter the slow-motion demolition derbies with mamasitas.
The regular dad has a much more effective and prudent way to drop off the kids. As the regular dad approaches within 3 blocks of the school, he observes the heavy traffic and the growing pile of flaming battle wagons running over each other squeezing onto a narrow street. He will quickly estimate the cost of car repairs and the associated insurance hikes against the non-existent benefit of plowing into the flaming pile to deliver the kid to the front door. The father always decides the best course of action is to drop the kid a block from the school. He checks the back seat to confirm the kid is still there then tells them, “Get out”, and points in the direction of the school. He saves at least 30 minutes and avoids encountering the wildly gesticulating mamasitas. His car also gets to live another day.
What is a Mamasita?
A mamasita is a contradiction. There are at least two basic types of mamasita and they are not mutually exclusive. A Type 1 (T1) mamasita is the one described above, a fierce, intense, ruthless warrior within the confines of a school zone. These only exist in specific locations and only at specific times.
In more precise terms, a T1 mamasita is a woman whose children attend schools in grades 1 through 12. They drive the largest vehicles they can climb into and often have jobs outside the home. They range in age from late teens to early 50s.
At home they are just normal moms. They are rational, intelligent, nurturing, loving, caring, and supportive. Many are married but not all. Many also work long hours to support the family and to feed the gigantic weaponized SUVs they drive into the battles at school zones.
T1 Mamasitas
The T1 mamasita is a regular woman until her war wagon crosses into a school zone whereupon she transforms. The transformation is similar to that of a werewolf under a full moon. Once inside the school zone, the mamasita will switch to battle mode and all laws and norms of decency and civility are discarded. Rather than applying war paint at home she prefers to apply it during battle as a display of dominance and superiority over the other mamasitas. T1 mamasitas do not permit anyone to merge in front of them. They do not yield to cañonazos. They use the imposing size of their war machines to force their way into whatever tiny gap they find. There is anecdotal evidence that these encounters occasionally result in damage to the war vehicles. However, mamasitas are not overly concerned with the occasional nick, ding, or missing fender, until their significant other or the insurance company asks how it happened.
T2 Mamasitas
The Type 2 (T2) mamasita is much more common and not defined by location or time. This mamasita can be found anywhere but most often at venues where intoxicating substances and lively music abound. The T2 mamasita can be single or married, with or without children. There is no age range as this type of mamasita is actually a state of mind – that of the beholder.
The nature of communications with a Type 2 mamasita falls within a broad spectrum. On the mild side, a beholder may say, “Estas hermosa mamasita”, which is Spanish for “You are beautiful mamasita”. This phrase is delivered in a lighthearted and friendly tone and it is most appropriately used by beholders who have already established a close acquaintance with the woman.
The other end of the communication spectrum lies well inside dangerous territory. This extreme is typically utilized in situations where the beholder is emboldened by copious amounts of liquid courage and his inhibitions have drowned. The nature of the acquaintance becomes irrelevant because there are no inhibitions to warn him away from disaster. An example of such a communication is as follows, “Mamasita, mi amor, esa faldita te queda pintada. Pareces un bonbón y te quiero devorar.” This is Spanish for, “Mamasita, my love, that tiny skirt looks like it’s painted on. You look like a bonbon and I want to devour you.” A bonbon is a small French chocolate confection. The phrase is delivered with a sideways “knowing” or leering look and it is uttered in a hushed tone. If the phrase is delivered by the T2 mamasita’s significant other it is usually well-received and can result in happiness for both parties. If it is delivered by a stranger, the level of liquid courage in the T2 mamasita becomes a determining factor in the outcome.
It is an undisputed fact, the level of liquid courage in all individuals is inversely proportional to the level of their inhibition. If the levels in the mamasita match those of the stranger, then mutual satisfaction can ensue. If the liquid courage level of the mamasita is less than that of the stranger, the stranger will at the very least be disappointed and at worse could suffer physical injuries due to blunt force trauma, vehicular impact, or gunfire. The scope of this article focuses on Type 1 mamasitas.
Do you know any T1 Mamasitas?
The answer is yes. If you know a woman with a valid driver license who has children in grades 1 through 12, she is most likely a T1 mamasita. You cannot identify T1 mamasitas simply by their appearance or how they drive in regular traffic. The affliction only manifests when they enter a school zone within the prescribed times.
Was the Navigator a T1 mamasita?
Yes. When the boys were in middle school and especially high school, the Navigator dropped them off and picked them up. We had a 2000 Honda Odyssey which was an otherwise substantial vehicle but nowhere near the bloated aircraft carrier sized behemoths driven by other mamasitas. The Odyssey was a Coast Guard cutter in a sea of aircraft carriers.
One day the Navigator had to drop Nicolas off at the entrance to Lamar Louise Curry Middle School. Nicolas was turning in a bulky science project and it was too large for him to carry it, and also his books, across the street. The Navigator had no choice but to dive into the estrogen-fueled melee to drop him off. After a fierce battle, she pulled up to the front of the school keeping a close eye on the other savage mamasitas lest one of them try to perform a cañonazo on her.
As she stared down the other mamasitas, she heard Nicolas exit the front passenger door and slide open the side door to get his project. The Navigator heard the side door begin to close, and without glancing back, moved the Odyssey forward. There was loud crunch. Nicolas had accidentally dropped the project and the Navigator ran over it. Nicolas became very upset but thankfully some teachers witnessed the incident and vouched for him when he told his teacher his mother had run over his project.
Another incident occurred when the boys were attending John A Ferguson Senior High. The Navigator did not want to engage in the daily vehicular warfare with the other mamasitas so she devised a plan to drop off and pick up the boys at the Publix parking lot across SW 56th Street from the school. She correctly assumed she could avoid the carnage and destruction of trying to get to the entrance.
As time went on, other mamasitas began copying what the Navigator had done. They asked their kids to loiter inside Publix until they arrived which sometimes was up to an hour after school ended. In the mornings, some mamasitas dropped their kids off early at Publix to avoid the automotive free-for-all on SW 56th Street. Publix must have complained because soon police officers began restricting the kids from entering the store unless accompanied by a parent. The Navigator never had that problem because she was usually waiting for our boys before school let out.
One morning the Navigator was running late and hurried to drop the boys in the parking lot. She inattentively rolled through a stop sign in the lot. A police officer turned on his lights and bumped his siren to get the Navigator to stop. Nicolas was riding in the front passenger seat and he later described how the Navigator became upset, rolled down the window, leaned halfway out, stared back at the officer and shouted, “WHAT!”. According to Nicolas, the officer decided discretion was the better part of valor, turned off his lights, and drove away.
Today, the Navigator stays out of school zones. Violette attends a small private school located next to an elementary school and traffic gets pretty jammed up. Whenever we take her to school, I will do the driving. Even though I drive a gigantic 2003 Lincoln Towncar that could hold its own in any mamasita crunchfest, I leave early enough to avoid encountering the savages.
Strategies for Survival
Listed below are some effective strategies to mitigate damage from encounters with T1 mamasitas. The effectiveness of these strategies has been rigorously tested through personal experience.
- The most effective strategy to mitigate the potential losses incurred when dealing with mamasitas is avoidance. Avoid school zones during the drop off and pick up hours.
- T1 Mamasitas are known to frequently park their vehicles in travel lanes waiting for school to let out. According to the unwritten mamasita protocol, there is nothing wrong with blocking a lane of traffic as long as the hazard lights are on. Drive around them when possible.
- If you happen to encounter a T1 mamasita in a school zone NEVER attempt to perform a cañonazo on her. Mamasitas will gladly sacrifice a fender, headlight, or bumper to protect their place in the line.
- Do not make any facial expressions of displeasure unless you are prepared to engage in a protracted aerobic workout consisting of vigorous arm gesticulations for the next 30 minutes. You will lose. Mamasitas have a remarkable aerobic resiliency.
- Never honk your horn at a T1 mamasita.
- Never address a T1 mamasita in the same manner as a T2 mamasita.
Hopefully this information will help you safely navigate the most dangerous areas of our community. Presented as a public service to all regular dads out there trying to survive in a world of mamasitas.
