Accident
We were driving home from visiting my brother in Islamorada on a Sunday night in February 2000 around 9pm. We were traveling in our white 1988 Honda Accord. Nicolas rode in the front passenger seat and the Navigator slept in the rear passenger-side next to Daniel, also asleep, in the rear driver-side seat.
As we cruised northbound on US1, locally known as the “18-mile stretch”, a Florida Keys resident was driving home in his Ford F150 pickup truck on the southbound side. The Keys guy had a little too much to drink and fell asleep behind the wheel. His truck slowly veered across the center double lines and headed straight for us. This was at Mile Marker 113 before the installation of the concrete barrier separating the northbound lane from the southbound lane.
As the truck encroached further into our lane, I slowly guided our car onto the shoulder of the road as far as possible to avoid a head-on collision. The only thing separating us from the Atlantic Ocean was a strip of mangroves. Unfortunately, the shoulder was not wide enough and the truck hit our car on the driver-side rear fender sending us into a spin. Our car ended up facing south after coming to a stop against the mangroves. The Keys guy ended up about 30 feet offshore. Daniel suffered cuts to his gums when his head hit the door panel, but thankfully, everyone else was unhurt.
When first responders arrived, traffic had already backed up a mile in both directions. Daniel was attended by paramedics as police tried to figure out what happened. It was all very clear to me and I provided the officers with all the information they requested. I was surprised when three officers approached me a few minutes later, looking at me suspiciously.
“I thought you told us you were coming from the Keys.”
“I was. I was driving from my brother’s house in Islamorada.”
“Then why would your wife tell us you were coming from Miami?”
“She told you we were coming from Miami?”
“No, we asked her to point in the direction from where you were coming and she pointed toward Miami.”
That was the night I discovered the Navigator’s superpower.
Anxious Navigator
It is my opinion the above incident is at the root of what I am about to recount. Tuesday morning, we got up early and drove to breakfast at El Rinconcito, our favorite breakfast spot. The Navigator had a doctor’s appointment at 8:30 am and I thought it would be nice to treat her to breakfast and drive her to the appointment. We left at approximately 7:00 a.m. as rush hour traffic was beginning to build.
Approximately one block away, a car rolled through a stop sign and turned left in front of us. I knew it would merge into traffic well before we reached the intersection so I maintained my speed. Suddenly, the Navigator became rigid, placed one hand on the ceiling and another on the dashboard and let out a howling crescendo, “aaaaaaAaAaAaAAAAAAA!!!”. We did not get within a half block of the other vehicle.
“What the hell is wrong with you?”
“You’re driving like a MINNIAC!”
(Note: A MINNIAC is not an acronym for a 1950s-era proto-computer. It is how the Navigator pronounces the word “maniac”.)
“In what way am I driving like a MINNIAC?”
The Navigator did not answer and donned her Moai expression. If you do not know what a Moai expression looks like, Google it. Hint: It’s the facial expression on the giant stone heads on Easter Island. The Moai expression dissolved when the server brought the Navigator her coffee. We enjoyed a calm and pleasant breakfast then left to the doctor’s office.
Traveling east on Sunset Drive another car in the adjacent lane suddenly cut in front of us and hit the brakes. I reacted immediately and safely slowed the car leaving a sufficiently ample space cushion between us. Apparently, the Navigator disagreed because she reached for the ceiling and dashboard and reverted to her rural Cuban roots exclaiming, “Dale, metele el janazo para acabar esto”, which is Spanish for, “Go ahead, hit it hard and put an end to all of this.” I found her reaction very amusing and laughed accordingly. The Navigator continued, “Un día te va a salir el tiro por la culata”, for which the literal English translation is, “One day your shot will come through the buttstock.” A more precise and understandable translation might be, “One day this will backfire.”
I had never heard the word “culata” but noticed the similarity to the word “culo” which in Spanish often refers to a butt. I imagined a shot emanating from my butt and laughed even harder. The Navigator was not amused but I mansplained how her panic had been for nothing because we stopped smoothly and safely with plenty of room between the cars. I expounded at length about how I once possessed a Commercial Driver’s License (CDL) and had excellent driving skills which saved our family from a catastrophe in 2000 by avoiding the head-on collision. I said, “Admit it, you love that I am always thinking.” She replied, “I wish I could put a zipper on your mouth.”
Progress
The information contained herein is for entertainment purposes only. This is what works for me but it may not work for everyone and it could even harm you. Please consult a medical professional before undertaking any exercise or nutrition regimen.
The average daily weight from Monday, May 30, to Monday, June 6, was 228.18 pounds, a loss of a little over a pound. It was better than last week and still going in the right direction. May was a great first month as I lost a total of 12 pounds. This is not a sustainable or healthy rate of loss for me so I expect June’s result will be lower. I worked out 18 times and walked a total of 56.79 miles in a combined 16 hours and 45 minutes.
Last week’s results would have been better except it was the Navigator’s birthday and the YOLO (You Only Live Once) mindset induced me to stray a bit from my healthy nutrition routine. It started on Monday, when we drove to Plantation Key to perform in a Memorial Day ceremony then lunch at a nice waterfront restaurant called Lorelei. For what it’s worth, I ordered the Spinach salad but washed it down with an ice cold Yuengling and also enjoyed a delicious smoked fish appetizer because, YOLO.
The real problem was on Saturday, when the kids asked to treat the Navigator to dinner but the Navigator decided to instead make her special, ultra-delicious, feeding-frenzy-inducing dish we call F*@Karoni. This was the boys’ favorite dish growing up and remains so to this day. It is called F*@Karoni because it is just “SO f*@KING GOOD!”
The Navigator made three tubs like the one pictured above. The first one was devoured quickly then the boys each hoarded the other two to take home.
When they were little, they resented whenever the Navigator prepared to-go portions for guests. Now they are the ones absconding with all the leftovers. It’s a good thing too because if any remained, I would devour it myself. The stuff is irresistible. I had 2.5 helpings along with French bread. The kids also showed up with a guava cake that was delicious and of course, YOLO. It was the absolute opposite of healthy eating but of course, you know, YOLO. The mouth zipper would have come in handy.
Next week will be more normal because I don’t think we will be celebrating anything YOLO-worthy.
Glad you all are safe. Hope your sons mouth is healing well.
Love your narrative manuscript . Yolo is a Nono .
Zippers can be helpful in marriages both upper and lower zippers . Get it!
Thanks. Daniel’s mouth healed perfectly. He was a little champ at the hospital as they stitched him up. The YOLO mentality can be hazardous to your health. I don’t like zippers – anywhere. I like to feel free.
I agree. YOLO. I am encouraged to start a new eating plan…. I wonder where I can find a guava cake in SC.
I like the low carb plan. It’s worked for me in the past but it is counter intuitive. The easy part for me was getting rid of sugar since I have never been a sweet tooth. No sodas, bread, rice (a travesty for a Cuban), potatoes, etc. My reason for eating a low card diet is to reduce inflammation. Inflammation can lead to some bad things like heart disease, which I already have. Also, consumption of added sugar, such as in cakes, pies, cookies, milk shakes, etc. has been linked to an increased risk of cancer. In my opinion, these are good enough reasons to avoid sugar. I also eat fat and a moderate amount of protein. I will usually have two meals a day, the last one no later that 2pm, to take advantage of the effects of intermittent fasting. If I have a meal at 1pm and don’t eat again until 7:30am (18.5 hours), the body usually has enough time to work the meal through the digestive system. It also helps the body go into ketosis, where it draws its energy from the burning of fats rather than carbs. One reason I am writing this weekly log is as a motivator for me. I am putting myself out there, warts and all, for everyone one to see my successes as well as my failures. There will be failures on occasion but the important thing is to put them behind you and keep plugging away toward your goal. I have found long-term consistency to be problematic and I hope by putting this out into the world it will help me and hopefully others in similar situations. I don’t have the faintest idea where to find a guava cake in SC. Daniel and Valerie, Violette’s parents, bought it for the Navigator.