Captain’s Log – 061322 – Disappearing in Plain Sight and Progress

A Recent Change in the Home Dynamic

It has been over a year that our mothers have lived with us.  My mother-in-law, Dora, is in her early 90s and my mother, Gloria, is in her mid-80s.  Both were pre-deceased by their husbands and were self-sufficient, each living in their own home.  Dora was the first to move in as a result of a very toxic domestic situation and financial insecurity.  The plan was to sell the house and rent a small apartment near our home so she could keep her privacy and sense of independence.  However, her mind began deteriorating at an increasing rate and her doctors advised it would be best if she did not live alone. 

My mom’s situation was different.  After my father passed, she was able to maintain herself comfortably in her own home.  They paid off their mortgage many years earlier and had no debt so they lived comfortably on their Social Security pensions and the savings they accumulated. 

In early 2021, my mom had a medical emergency and was transported to Kendall Regional Medical Center since it was the closest hospital to her home.  Bad mistake.  This was during the covid panic and hospitals were not allowing family members to stay or visit the patients.  She spent the first 24 hours starved, neglected, and alone, and it was only after I threatened to deliver food through the use of force that a couple of nurses overcame the procedural hurdles to feed her. 

After her release, she was a shell of the woman that had entered the hospital.  She suffered from severe osteoarthritis and was constantly wracked with pain.  She also lost several pounds from malnutrition at the hospital.  She developed a severe depression and was no longer able to maintain herself.  It was obvious she could no longer live alone so we brought her to our home. 

Dora

My first memory of Dora was after the Navigator and I had been dating a few weeks.  Her face bore a stern expression and she did not seem the type of person to engage in frivolous conversation.  Dora has a lot of wonderful qualities but diplomacy is not one of them.  She speaks what is on her mind and is unconcerned about what, if any, effect it has on the other person.  I knew I was being sized up. 

At the time, the Navigator was divorced and had primary custody of two young children.  We were not engaged or even thinking of marriage at that point.  In her typically direct fashion Dora asked why I would want a woman with two kids.  How do you answer that question, especially when the woman is sitting right next to you?  So, I did the only thing I could think of, I told the truth.  I explained that I was fascinated with the Navigator and thought she was beautiful and we enjoyed each other’s company.  I do not recall if she even responded but apparently my answer was good enough for her. 

Dora was very protective of her family and I was glad when I became a part of it.  I had heard stories.  She once visited her sister and sick brother-in-law in Milwaukee.  The doctor ordered bedrest and to avoid bothering the brother-in-law.  One of the ailing man’s cousins continued prolonging a conversation despite several family members politely reminding him of the doctor’s orders.  Finally, Dora had enough.  She grabbed the cousin by the shirt and threatened to throw him down the stairs.  If a war ever broke out, I want to be on her side. 

Dora was one of seventeen children.  She grew up in a very rural part of Holguín, a province in eastern Cuba.  Her parents owned a farm and like many other children in Holguín, she left school in 6^th grade to work on the family farm.  According to her surviving siblings, Dora was a mischievous child and enjoyed playing pranks.  They told us how she trained her pet goat, Pancho, to headbutt and chase her siblings.  Their only hope of escape was to climb the nearest tree. 

Dora endured much pain throughout her life, perhaps none greater than the loss of her eldest daughter, Dorita, in the late 1960s.  She left her first husband and moved away from her family.  After she met her second husband, worsening circumstances on the island prompted them to move to the United States.  Her ex-husband agreed to allow Dora to bring the Navigator, but sadly, her son, Fidencio, was of military age and could not leave Cuba.  This was her second great loss.  She maintained communication with Fide whenever possible and visited the island whenever the political climate and the financial situation allowed.  In 2013, she saved enough money to have Fide visit the United States for two months.  It was the happiest I had seen her in years. 

Dora loved to shop and enjoyed spending time and dollars at Bloomingdales.  She always kept a couple of 70 pound “gusano” bags ready for her next trip to Cuba.  A gusano bag is an extra-large duffel bag filled with items for her family in Cuba.  Dora also worked very hard to help other family members emigrate to the United States.  She saved for months to raise money for their flights and filled out the necessary paperwork to make sure everything was legal.  When they arrived, they stayed in her home until they found employment and had saved enough money to find a place of their own. 

Alzheimer’s is an incredibly cruel disease.  It obliterated the reality of a once strong and vibrant woman into a jumbled collection of fragmented memories.  Her reality is no longer rooted in the present.  On any given day it is determined by whatever YouTube video she watched last.  Dora loved gardening so the Navigator plays lots of gardening videos.  She also enjoys videos of Korean street food vendors preparing and selling their products. 

Two weeks ago, Dora announced “they” were selling roasted corn for 50 cents an ear at the Youth Fair and we needed to run and buy some before they ran out.  By “they” she meant some unknown Korean vendor at the Miami-Dade County Fair & Exposition, which only runs for three weeks in March.  It was pointless to explain that the Youth Fair was not running because it was May. She insisted she just saw it on television.  The Navigator assured her she would buy the corn at the Youth fair as soon as she finished what she was doing.  Within a few moments, Dora forgot about the corn and the Youth Fair. 

Though her mind is diminishing rapidly, she still retains that part that does not tolerate bullshit.  One morning the Navigator took breakfast to her room and placed it on a table next to her bed.  Apparently, Dora was not hungry or did not like what the Navigator prepared because she said, “Esto no se puede comer”, Spanish for “This cannot be eaten.”  The Navigator does not always behave like the sweet little angel people think she is so she replied, “Pues dame acá, no te lo comas”, which means, “Then give it back it to me, don’t eat it”, and reached for the plate.  Dora thought better of it and said, “No, déjalo aquí, me lo como después”, meaning, “No, leave it here, I’ll eat it later.” 

Dora squinted at the Navigator and said sarcastically, “Sería bueno que trabajaras en una casa de viejos para acabar con ellos”, which means, “It would be good if you worked at an old folks’ home to finish them off.”  She added, “No quiero ser tu paciente”, which means, “I don’t want to be your patient.”  They glared at each other for what seemed an eternity then burst out in laughter.  It doesn’t always have to be sad. 

Progress

The information contained herein is for entertainment purposes only.  This is what works for me but it may not work for everyone and it could even harm you.  Please consult a medical professional before undertaking any exercise or nutrition regimen. 

The average daily weight from Monday, June 6, to Monday, June 13, was 230.73 pounds, a gain of 1.46 pounds.  This is not good and I place the blame squarely on a protracted overindulgence of the YOLO mindset with the diet.  The resumption of healthful eating took longer than anticipated because the YOLO mentality is very addictive. 

As an example, Violette graduated on June 7, and her summer vacation began on June 9.  We celebrated her graduation with lunch at Fuddrucker’s where I had a ⅔ pound burger, fries, and an orange soda.  YOLO!  Thursday, we took Violette to Zoo Miami and followed up with lunch at a buffet restaurant.  Y O L O!  It’s remarkable I only gained 1.46 pounds. 

Let’s see what happens next week.  Stay healthy my friends!